I agree with the sleep thing, above all else. Just eat well, rest well, and (try to) enjoy what you have right now.

I’ve had an extensive conversation with my mum this morning, and of course it’s the usual frustration coming from her, especially since so much money and time has been invested into this project. One entire year going to waste if I should drop out, many people say “one year is nothing in a lifetime” but it’s also my youth slowly passing by.

She wants me to continue here, but can’t force me to stay. Gave me the usual sermon, and yes, I fully understand her reproaches, like when she said “you went there twice to enroll, I told you to look at the dorms for yourself” – hard to do if all the information you get at the office is “right now we don’t know whether you can get a room or not; send us an e-mail end January” – but I should have been more persistent. Or all the warnings from acquaintances and friends that I blissfully ignored up until today.

Anyway, what now? I don’t know. I know that I need to make a decision very soon, and honestly speaking, my mind feels like bursting all day long. Bursting with regret that I did not take the opportunity one year ago and fill that UCAS application to the UK to continue my English studies, that I carelessly took this path without actually seriously considering all the hardships and issues I might encounter. How naive of me.

In all honesty, I don’t see myself staying here beyond the next couple of weeks, but I haven’t slept three nights over my current problem. Though, time might probably my worst enemy right now.
There are plenty of alternatives I could take, but the most interesting one would be to actually try to fill out the UCAS application again (like I should have done over one year ago). The deadline for guaranteed places was on January 15th, but many universities still accept applications until June, though only if the selected degrees/courses still have free spots.
I already contacted my uni.lu teacher, helped me out with some details and stuff, and I already filled in most of the information required – just need personal statement and a reference to roughly wrap it up.

Should I be accepted somewhere in the UK, it would actually feel less of a waste of time since I already completed the first year of the BA here. And honestly speaking, I believe that the career options with an English BA (or whatever linguistic variations I might choose) are much wider with one in Japanology. Although, then again, I would not be uninterested in doing Japanology in Germany, which I initially refused to do last year because back then I already had the Venice bug…

But even if it seems like a certainty that I will go elsewhere, it still is only a question mark. In any case, should I decide to drop out, I would need to return to Luxembourg and enroll for a semester of French, so at least I would not need to lose yet another term doing nothing at home. The only catch is that I need to send the enrollment form by February 26, which would be in less than two weeks.

And then, I take a walk earlier with my friend, and went to the nearest coop store in Giudecca (@x10a: roommate says Prix is cheaper). Finally bought myself some water and some bread/snacks to replenish my reserves – I haven’t really eaten a meal for almost two days now. Was sleeping all day yesterday, and spent the entire morning today talking with my mum. Should get some cooked food tonight, if I manage to stay awake that long.

But walking along the Giudecca channel, with the rather cold breeze blowing in my face; this fresh, but clear weather, all those students, children, tourists… I feel so out of place. The sky, the colored clouds dyed by the sunset, all the buildings, the people – the whole looks like a painting, and quite surreal. That is the Venice I had in mind before. I did feel a little reassured, but I wonder if I wasn’t just thinking that I was going home soon. Because I cannot get the concerns out of my head. My face felt like stone all day, tired and devoid of emotions. Am I really here? Am I living? I don’t know yet.

As muz said, did I go to such lengths to come to this city only to give up after two days? Is this some kind of test I need to overcome to fully appreciate my stay here? Am I man enough to face these hardships and not flee because I can? Shit, I wish I could find the answer right now. But I think I need more time to sort it all out in my mind, and probably more sleep as well. Would be funny if I caught a fever now because of this whole stress. Ah, if only I was rich…

Frustrations for me include but not limited to poor signage, poor map provision, looking for a canteen, not being able to use it because I don’t have the card, eating overpriced food, getting all muddy in the smoggy rain, finding an otaku stand (they sold both Jap and Chinese stuff, including MEGAMI of all things) before the canteen….

It’s all part of the process and you’ll eventually get used to it, especially with experienced help. And don’t forget the el cheapo COOP stores in Venice.

Right now, I feel a lot calmer, although the doubts still remain: am I going to make the best of my time here? I don’t know. It’s really not that I feel lonely, far from home, or completely lost, but if this whole journey and trouble is worth it. If, as Sasa said, costs were lower, I am pretty sure that like her, I would actually have less second thoughts about this and enjoy this.

Actually, the little introductory leaflet from university already warned me times ago that I should plan around 700€ monthly budget, but, now that I’m here, with all my doubts and my current state of mind, I feel overwhelmed and rather naive or stupid about it. Perhaps because now that I’m kind of on my own, I recognize the value of money?

That might have happened anywhere, granted, but I do feel lost in this environment. I thought I could get by with English, but it’s so hard, really. If I knew Italian, I would feel less insecure, too. Because then I would even have the opportunity to find a small part-time job here. …I guess I should have listened to some warnings back then, and not simply ditched them with my carelessness.

Nicholas, that’s exactly what I had in mind yesterday, staying here as long as my room is paid for for this month, then returning home and looking for another, more suitable place for me (I had been thinking of Trier, Germany and doing exactly the same at the right pace, in an environment I can communicate with people in).
I will also ask the head teacher of the faculty here about the workload of this term (remember, I might need to catch up to the first term as well) and ask several things about the course. For example, on the internet, it was said that the courses would be held in English, but the few people I spoke with yesterday said some lessons were also in Italian, which would rule me out even further.

And if I hadn’t asked anyone yesterday, I would already have jumped the gun and packed my things this morning. “Keep the hard earned money and put it to good use next term elsewhere.”

I know I need to make the decision for myself, but that might be a rash and immature decision. It’s definitely not the thought of disappointing my mum or anyone else at all, but I just wanted to ask her opinion, if all of this is worth the trouble anymore.
She definitely won’t say that she’s disappointed at all, because she understands me better than anyone else. At worst, she’d say “I told you”, but will gladly help me carry on.

Once again, thanks for listening guys, I will check by sooner or later if I have more to say.