This is probably going to be a very personal post. This time I’ll lay off the usual facetious schizo act for a couple of minutes, and try to be real this time. In case you are wondering, it has absolutely nothing to do with anime so move along if you don’t care. But read with patience and precaution if you do.
As some of you might already have noticed from my recent few tweets, I’m once again reaching a bivio (Italian for bifurcation) of my life. The left one goes into the horizon, the right one describes a U-turn. Do I step forward, or draw the line and go back to where I came from?
The factoids first: I arrived in Venice yesterday early evening, after a long way and 14 hours of being awake. It has been a moment I had been looking forward for over half a year, ever since I decided to enroll at the university Ca’ Foscari in September.
tl;dr Flashback ahead, here’s some spoiler tags to shorten it a little:show
I don’t really know the motivation I had back then, but I was so entranced by Venice, that I kind of fell in love with it. And since I did not know what to do at that time, I just went for it.
In my head, all different kinds of things popped into my head, from plenty of ARIA-esque moments of bliss, idyllic scenes, to random wild nights running through the narrow streets, being chased by the mafia for whatever reason possible. I hyped myself and my own opinion of the subject, and not even the relatively high enrollment costs (which were quite attractive in direct comparison with some US universities I had been eyeing until that point) were enough to dissuade me from doing it. I have to admit that the possibility of flying ridiculously cheap with RyanAir was a key factor as well, too.
“Doing something relevant to my interests in a city relevant to my interests” I had said back then. I thought it was a good compromise for starting into the second term of a subject that is not all that simple, East Asian Languages and Culture – I decide to call it Japanology now.
I got so blinded by the many images in my head that I even actively thought I would easily overcome any difficulty I would encounter on my way to Venice.
The language, Oh! That’s no problem at all! I know French and Portuguese, I should understand a lot of it, and they all understand English anyway!
Lodging, Oh! That’s no problem at all! The ESU (some organization which allocates student lodgings in the Venetian Region) will provide me a cheap, suitable lodging for my needs.
Financial help, Oh! That’s no problem at all! I will receive financial help from the state, most likely about the height of the enrollment fees, and if needed, a loan with extremely low interests.
That was what I tried to comfort my mother’s doubts with. Always the same lines, always the same replies. I effectively enrolled the first week of November, but had not enough time to get a Taxpayer Code not visit the ESU to anticipate the search for a lodging. So I returned two weeks later, and cleared all of that.
The ESU told me back then, “okay well we don’t know whether there will be free rooms no, they said beds or not, so send us an e-mail end January. I already sent them one end December, because my mum kept asking about what kind of stuff I need to take. The ESU website was a real wreck, the English page was an eternal Site In Progress and their Italian page only showed a small 100×200 picture of the room.
After I spammed their mailbox from every available e-mail account, a positive reply came end of January, around three weeks before the second term started. But even then, they only said to pay the room. It’s namely attributed to students on a “first pay, first serve” base. Well, I paid my 200 euros for the double room (which turned out to be 300e/month because I’m not taking part in the Erasmus Project, some kind of European student exchange programme), told them to confirm my arrival date so I could book plane tickets, and asked them to please provide me more information about the dorm facilities. I had to fucking call them because they were too lazy to do stuff (exactly as Shinn warned me). And exactly one week ago, I finally got the reply, they said this and that, rather satisfactory, and “towels and bed clothing are students care” and “two kitchen and microwave oven”. Perfect, I could make my own food! I thought. That’s all I needed to know. That’s all I thought I needed to know.
Today, RyanAir already mined me out with 150€ of excess luggage because a nice friend of mine said that the laptop wouldn’t belong to cabin luggage, so I could tranquil pack my 10 kgs allowed into cabin luggage. Error, laptop had to be packed into main luggage, 10 kgs of excess, times 15€, do the maths. I was not happy at all, a 20€ plane ticket foiled seven times. What a waste.
Arrived at the dorm like a hopeful curmudgeon, the receptionist doesn’t speak English and asks me my name five times in Italian “dice?” (say.) Deeceh? Then he said “name?” and contact was established. Showed me my room, that famous room worth 300€: 20 square meters at most, with two beds, two desks, and a bathroom. Okay, well… okay. Before I could rage about it, I immediately met my roommate. He’s Turkish, he has quite some trouble with the English language but he’s a damn great guy. After the introductions he showed me around the dorm – and what a shockingly nice KITCHEN! “Two kitchen and microwave oven” translates into “Microwave, Sink and Fridge”. Fridge which is even locked shut with chains and locks inside, some people sure mark their territory.
Water? Tap water tastes awful here. So we go to the cafeteria, where two cute waitresses are just waiting to serve coffee – the catch is, they only accept coins. Same for the cold drink one. Fine, you can’t have a bar in every dorm either, but at least a coffee machine would be good.
Unable to find a Kitchen, my friend takes me over to the university mensa – only a 10 minute walk with a Vaporetto commute in between. He tells me about how things in the dorm are expensive: cleaning, washing: bring your own stuff, and pay to use the machines. Maybe that’s the definition of a dorm for most people but I am used to paying 340 for an “all-inclusive” dorm (so to speak) in Luxembourg. Hey, even if I was to use my own washing products I’d still like not to pay 1 euro for the washing machine or the dryer.
Anyway, in the mensa itself, there is quite a wide selection of food and stuff, you do get your money’s worth there – but with 230 euros a month for boarding, on top of dorm costs, it’s piling up! Plus the highly sympathetic canteen manager can’t speak English either. And I need to pay for all the books, too. And to catch up on the stuff from the first term. And and and…
I panic. I can’t help it. 27 hours without sleep (shitty bed here didn’t let me take the one occasion I laid down on it either), and I still cannot find peace of mind. There are so many small things that I knew would happen, and yet I never really thought about it. It’s like my mum said a week ago before the ESU replied, “If you ask me, I really don’t see you studying down there.” And at this very moment, I don’t see myself either. As if I lost any perspective.
I don’t know, it’s like I’m being struck by reality. I thought this would be good, soothing, relaxing, paradise, utopia; something that would finally bring gratification after all the stress I’ve been through going back and forth, and with the ESU. But all I see now is the money that goes to waste, without me being able to make that investment to good use and be motivated to study here. Next to money, comes the language barrier I thought to overcome, general life conditions – I came with the misconception that Venice is something out of the norm, but Venice is still Italy, it’s an expensive tourist city within one of the most expensive European countries to live in. Yeah, it’s perhaps the city itself that I’m rebelling against.
Don’t get me wrong. I love Venice. Really. I said it over and over again, even though ARIA profoundly biased me. But now that I’m in the perspective of living inside it for a while, I start feeling a strong repulsion, and deep anxiety. True, it’s something I will encounter in every major city, but I am light years away from what I had imagined this experience would be. I feel completely alienated from the image of Venice I had last July – perhaps I should have just remained a tourist.
Perhaps I’m just overreacting, just like I did when I entered the dorm in Luxembourg the first year. I was bullied, and homesick. But now, the only bully here is my conscience. I wonder, am I mad, am I confused, am I tired, am I… normal? I haven’t even started the term and I want to quit already. Because if this motivational drop keeps up, I’m sure I’ll just pack my things and leave. But if that is the case, I’d rather not let it come to this and try to ask for a partial refund of my enrollment fees, since the term hasn’t started yet. I would have wasted an entire year doing nothing, nothing but sounding the big horn of “neko goes Venice” and kept some people believing in this. But at least I wouldn’t have let that money go to waste, which I could then reuse for my future studies.
I’m not saying I made my mind up yet, but I’m slowly trying to reach a conclusion by the end of the week, where I will meet the head teacher of the Foreign Languages faculty for better or for worse.
Perhaps all I need is a healthy dose of sleep, and some precious motherly advice.
Sorry to my room mate whom I woke up three times because of my uncareful laptop typing – I know he tries to cheer me up and says he just wanted to get a smoke or have a pee, but he also knows I’m really not feeling well in my own skin right now and he can’t do anything about it. 8:20 AM, you can finally have some sleep now. Sorry man.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I was so envious of you (and still am, haha), and actually I hope that you will get over this. When I started with university, I was extremely depressed too, but a few days later, I was feeling much better already simply by getting used to the environment. Of course I didn’t have any financial burden to carry at that time, so it was easier for me to go on with it, but I am sure you will make the right decision for yourself. ^^
By the way, apparently there are shocked Japanese women every year fainting in Paris, because the city is nothing like they imagined it to be. So your reactions are perfectly normal. ^^
Always a new day. Well I can see it being very expensive and that be a serious de-motivator, but definitely try to enjoy it for now… I can only relate the experience I had when I moved one summer to Maine with people I “sort of” knew. The kicker to that situation was that it was Maine (middle of nowhere), usually alone in a huge silent house, and I had fractured my ankle the week before leaving, so I was in the woods on crutches for a while. Blogging, coding, problem solving all helped to dissuade my conscience from panicing… but eventually, I truly felt good there (around the time when I could walk again)….
the point is, do good work, see what you find this semester, and if the experience is worth the money, stay… otherwise venture on ^_^ You know your feelings best, but sometimes its good to vent in text (on blog) heheh
Good advice from my homies up there.
Good luck, natsuneko. I don’t have any new advice to weigh in with at the moment, but I’m with you.
I don’t know if you got my @replies on Twitter or not. The last four or so say about all that I can on your situation and how I can totally relate, dude.
Let me add to what I’ve already said.
School blows.
Don’t get me wrong, it has a place and I appreciate it to an extent. But it doesn’t teach you what you *really need to know*. The transition from college to OH GOD MUST FIND JOB or grad school or going to the military is…. it’s bad. It’s really bad.
I, too, went to graduate school thinking that it would be my wonderland… to elaborate! I went to San Jose State University. It ain’t Stanford or Berkeley, but for a man with a bachelor’s in science in CS and Math, that’s Silicon Valley right there. That’s THE place to be for studies in the tech industry.
I’m not completely convinced that it was worth it. It was horribly expensive. And California… it’s got more than its own fair share of problems. All those songs about CA are just fairy tales. I came to discover that New York really was better suited for me than CA ever was.
I think… you are looking for guidance for what to do with your life right now. That’s good!
Consulting your mom isn’t the best way to go about it. You have no idea how many subtly “I’m kind of disappointed in you” messages I was getting from her (and the rest of my family!) when I was thinking of leaving.
Truth is, you have to man up and think for yourself about all this. That’s hard.
It’s hard because college and school have this niiiice trail of breadcrumbs for you to follow. Real life doesn’t. Looking for a job doesn’t. Grad school… sort of does, but it’s deceptive. It’s the rich kid’s alternative to going to the military or getting married. They seem to offer direction but they only put off answering the real questions.
So, in your position, if you want to leave now I think that’s perfectly fine.
I could offer fluffy feel-good bullshit right now, but this really is a big decision. I think you’re doing the right thing in questioning yourself. I didn’t do it until my second semester and that was a mistake.
You got one thing out of grad school right now, and it’s that your fantasy world doesn’t really exist. That’s a big lesson right there, and you can really build from it.
Now, ***take some time to think about what you want to do with your life***. Remember that what you’re doing right now is just a tiny step towards the bigger picture of things.
If you want to explore Venice, don’t show up for class and take a few months to explore the city while your living space is paid for. Then withdraw from your classes before they can put a lousy grade to your name. Some people will hate you for it, but it’s better than spending hours alone studying something your heart’s not really into.
Start making decisions on your own. Don’t worry about your mom, don’t worry about me. Don’t worry about what anyone else but you has to say. That’s what matters, now.
You’re out of college and it’s easy to do something stupid. Explore the world and find your niche in life. Get to know people. Go on an adventure for a few months! To hell with anime, video games and all those artificial fantasy world. Real life is filled with its own glory and wonder if you’re looking for it.
It’s up to you. I know you’re scared, and that’s normal. Just, think about things.
Do what you want to do.
And most importantly, do it without worrying if you’ll regret it.
You’ll be a better person for it. I guarantee it!
@Sasa, Ryan, lolikit, Nicholas: thanks for your kind words. My mum already replied to me but we could not have a real conversation yet, because I was simply too tired today.
Right now, I feel a lot calmer, although the doubts still remain: am I going to make the best of my time here? I don’t know. It’s really not that I feel lonely, far from home, or completely lost, but if this whole journey and trouble is worth it. If, as Sasa said, costs were lower, I am pretty sure that like her, I would actually have less second thoughts about this and enjoy this.
Actually, the little introductory leaflet from university already warned me times ago that I should plan around 700€ monthly budget, but, now that I’m here, with all my doubts and my current state of mind, I feel overwhelmed and rather naive or stupid about it. Perhaps because now that I’m kind of on my own, I recognize the value of money?
That might have happened anywhere, granted, but I do feel lost in this environment. I thought I could get by with English, but it’s so hard, really. If I knew Italian, I would feel less insecure, too. Because then I would even have the opportunity to find a small part-time job here. …I guess I should have listened to some warnings back then, and not simply ditched them with my carelessness.
Nicholas, that’s exactly what I had in mind yesterday, staying here as long as my room is paid for for this month, then returning home and looking for another, more suitable place for me (I had been thinking of Trier, Germany and doing exactly the same at the right pace, in an environment I can communicate with people in).
I will also ask the head teacher of the faculty here about the workload of this term (remember, I might need to catch up to the first term as well) and ask several things about the course. For example, on the internet, it was said that the courses would be held in English, but the few people I spoke with yesterday said some lessons were also in Italian, which would rule me out even further.
And if I hadn’t asked anyone yesterday, I would already have jumped the gun and packed my things this morning. “Keep the hard earned money and put it to good use next term elsewhere.”
I know I need to make the decision for myself, but that might be a rash and immature decision. It’s definitely not the thought of disappointing my mum or anyone else at all, but I just wanted to ask her opinion, if all of this is worth the trouble anymore.
She definitely won’t say that she’s disappointed at all, because she understands me better than anyone else. At worst, she’d say “I told you”, but will gladly help me carry on.
Once again, thanks for listening guys, I will check by sooner or later if I have more to say.
I’d kill to study/live abroad now, but for various reasons I can’t. Get some well-deserved rest and give it a chance, don’t give up without trying – you have got to have some serious guts to that far, I really doubt you’ll quit.
Sorry to hear about your experience. I can’t really relate since I’ve never been away from home on my own for an extended period of time ever, but I understand that sometime reality just bites. I’m sure you’ll adjust eventually and good luck.
Similar feelings here in Beijing but another foreign student helped me out and told me where all the shops, canteens, and basically told me all the ins and outs. So go squeeze info out of your roommate – it will really decrease your stress levels. I barely speak the language (which is why I’m in Beijing to lean it :P).
Frustrations for me include but not limited to poor signage, poor map provision, looking for a canteen, not being able to use it because I don’t have the card, eating overpriced food, getting all muddy in the smoggy rain, finding an otaku stand (they sold both Jap and Chinese stuff, including MEGAMI of all things) before the canteen….
It’s all part of the process and you’ll eventually get used to it, especially with experienced help. And don’t forget the el cheapo COOP stores in Venice.
Hey all, thanks for your kind words.
I’ve had an extensive conversation with my mum this morning, and of course it’s the usual frustration coming from her, especially since so much money and time has been invested into this project. One entire year going to waste if I should drop out, many people say “one year is nothing in a lifetime” but it’s also my youth slowly passing by.
She wants me to continue here, but can’t force me to stay. Gave me the usual sermon, and yes, I fully understand her reproaches, like when she said “you went there twice to enroll, I told you to look at the dorms for yourself” – hard to do if all the information you get at the office is “right now we don’t know whether you can get a room or not; send us an e-mail end January” – but I should have been more persistent. Or all the warnings from acquaintances and friends that I blissfully ignored up until today.
Anyway, what now? I don’t know. I know that I need to make a decision very soon, and honestly speaking, my mind feels like bursting all day long. Bursting with regret that I did not take the opportunity one year ago and fill that UCAS application to the UK to continue my English studies, that I carelessly took this path without actually seriously considering all the hardships and issues I might encounter. How naive of me.
In all honesty, I don’t see myself staying here beyond the next couple of weeks, but I haven’t slept three nights over my current problem. Though, time might probably my worst enemy right now.
There are plenty of alternatives I could take, but the most interesting one would be to actually try to fill out the UCAS application again (like I should have done over one year ago). The deadline for guaranteed places was on January 15th, but many universities still accept applications until June, though only if the selected degrees/courses still have free spots.
I already contacted my uni.lu teacher, helped me out with some details and stuff, and I already filled in most of the information required – just need personal statement and a reference to roughly wrap it up.
Should I be accepted somewhere in the UK, it would actually feel less of a waste of time since I already completed the first year of the BA here. And honestly speaking, I believe that the career options with an English BA (or whatever linguistic variations I might choose) are much wider with one in Japanology. Although, then again, I would not be uninterested in doing Japanology in Germany, which I initially refused to do last year because back then I already had the Venice bug…
But even if it seems like a certainty that I will go elsewhere, it still is only a question mark. In any case, should I decide to drop out, I would need to return to Luxembourg and enroll for a semester of French, so at least I would not need to lose yet another term doing nothing at home. The only catch is that I need to send the enrollment form by February 26, which would be in less than two weeks.
And then, I take a walk earlier with my friend, and went to the nearest coop store in Giudecca (@x10a: roommate says Prix is cheaper). Finally bought myself some water and some bread/snacks to replenish my reserves – I haven’t really eaten a meal for almost two days now. Was sleeping all day yesterday, and spent the entire morning today talking with my mum. Should get some cooked food tonight, if I manage to stay awake that long.
But walking along the Giudecca channel, with the rather cold breeze blowing in my face; this fresh, but clear weather, all those students, children, tourists… I feel so out of place. The sky, the colored clouds dyed by the sunset, all the buildings, the people – the whole looks like a painting, and quite surreal. That is the Venice I had in mind before. I did feel a little reassured, but I wonder if I wasn’t just thinking that I was going home soon. Because I cannot get the concerns out of my head. My face felt like stone all day, tired and devoid of emotions. Am I really here? Am I living? I don’t know yet.
As muz said, did I go to such lengths to come to this city only to give up after two days? Is this some kind of test I need to overcome to fully appreciate my stay here? Am I man enough to face these hardships and not flee because I can? Shit, I wish I could find the answer right now. But I think I need more time to sort it all out in my mind, and probably more sleep as well. Would be funny if I caught a fever now because of this whole stress. Ah, if only I was rich…
Don’t worry about spamming. You’re not sending us stupid “Don’t Click” links… now, that’s SPAM!
I agree with the sleep thing, above all else. Just eat well, rest well, and (try to) enjoy what you have right now.
Well, I can’t really relate to you, since I’m younger and more inexperienced than the rest of the gang here (still in high school), but at least, I do what I can: I send you best wishes, good luck, and I hope everything will be fine. At least, you’re giving us youngsters an example, and we can learn from you.
I hope you’re saving all these options ^_^ /onto the next
I sense a serious case of culture shock. Only five months and 29 days to go! Yay.
@Someone: That’s the term I’ve been looking for, but could not entirely corner it because I thought my case to be slightly different. Sure, life is expensive here and in Italian, too, but it’s more the rather spartan dormitory that’s been giving me some trouble. As well as realizing that, under such conditions, I most probably would not be able to focus on my studies, which I also probably underestimated before coming. Honeymoon phase… oh well. Gotta move on now.